Imagine what you could do if you knew you could not fail.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

So Many Reasons

I have a lot of reasons for not posting lately - the biggest being that I like to focus my blogging on more positive energy and I haven't had a whole lot of that floating around lately. We have just had one difficult thing after another after another around here and I think that Satan is working extra hard on our family.

The hardest blow (of all the blows) for me has been Jeremy's new calling. I know it should be a happy thing, but I'm thinking it is possibly more a test of my faith than his. He got called to be the 2nd Counsellor in the Young Men's program and along with that comes the additional calling of assistant scout master. I truly believe that he will learn a lot and hope that he will grow greatly in this calling. On the other hand, I have never had a great testimony of the scouting program and it irritates the heck out of me that they require SO MUCH of a time commitment and expect the leaders to abandon their families for these boys.

Piled on top of that, Jeremy has been gone all this week on a business trip - and before that, he was so busy the past couple of months at work that it was practically like he wasn't here anyway. I am having a very hard time with this abandonment and have been left feeling very alone and disconnected.

We have always been a couple that does pretty much EVERYTHING together, and to suddenly be alone and know that it's going to be this way for a long time is very hard on me. I feel like a single parent and sometimes wonder if actually being single would be easier because you don't have the added expectation and hope that you will have extra help and someone to connect with.

I know that so many people go through this same thing and wonder if it is just as hard for them or if, for some reason, I'm the only one that can't seem to handle these kinds of things. I usually tell myself "this too shall pass" and kind of just move one, but this time my little phrase just isn't helping much. Hmph. I guess the only thing to do is to keep pressing forward and have hope that, uh, this too shall pass.

There have been other blows that I won't write about. Thankfully, for me, I feel like I have a decent understanding of the Lord's plan and that this life wasn't meant to be easy. That's why it's called a test. It is a test of our faith and our willingness to move forward even when it isn't easy. I just have to try to find the path that will give me a way to pick myself up and keep going. For my sake and the sake of my family, I just hope that I find that path sooner rather than later.


bobatharoo said...

I can certainly empathize.

Megz said...

Coming from a boy family and having a few of my own, I can say how much I appreciate GOOD men who are willing to put so much time and work into helping out other people's sons. A lot of Leon's best memories are related to scouting so we're big advocates over here. But I hear you on the single parent/lonely wife thing. It's hard to feel positive about things when it feels like you're the one left home alone. Again. With all the kids.

Good thing you're tough. And maybe start liking your husband a little bit less. That might make it easier!

Demi said...

Maybe it I can apply the Cosby Show episode I just watched with my kids. Maybe the time of being lonely and feeling like a single mom will make you more grateful when you do have time together, and make those times even more precious. I know that doesn't make it any easier.
And I think you are right, sometimes loneliness when you are married does feel more intense, because of your expectations.
A good friend of mine takes situations like this to learn empathy for others. Now you can empathize with single moms. It will pass, and will make you stronger. I hate things that make me stronger.

Wendy Mohlman said...

Hi Renee,
I'm so sorry about your lonely feelings. We all have them...Since I work full time at night outside the home and my husband works full time outside the home during the day, there are so many times we hit and miss's a hello and a kiss goodbye as one of us is running out the door. It's hard on a marriage to not see eachother. We try to go on a date, we stay up (too) late after the kids are in bed and I'm always sure that when he is at work and I am home, we use the yahoo instant messenger to stay in touch whenever he is at his desk. It's not much...but it works. It doesn't seem that it's how the "family unit" should work...husband and wife separated for work/clergy stuff and parents feeling they are raising the kids alone. "Distance DOES make the heart grow fonder." I hate that quote..but I believe it wholeheartedly. Thanks for your honesty on here...Seriously, we all have lonely times. You're not alone. Listen to Michael McClean's song, "You're Not Alone." It makes me feel better sometimes.

Amy Jo Madsen said...

Sorry you've been having such a hard time. I think Julie could empathize REALLY well (except that she's never experienced the "connected" husband--only the "never around" one). I honestly don't know she does it, and how single moms do it. Maybe try scheduling a date for the two of you to spend some time together after he gets home from his trip.

I understand if you don't want to talk about the other things going on, but just know I'm here if you ever do need to talk (or e-mail, or whatever). I'm actually going to be staying at my parents' house for a while starting in about a month, so maybe we could even get together and do something. :)

Here's hoping that the hard times will pass quickly, and that you'll be able to endure them well. Hang in there.

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Shnopa said...

You've gotten a lot of empathy and understanding here, but I thought I'd reply as well. With Doug's jobs he seems to be gone a lot and I worked for a while and had the 'ships passing in the night' thing going on. He is also now going to meetings twice a week at night and I've been used to a do-everything-together marriage. I know you will eventually find strength and peace with the situation(s). I'm SOOOOO happy to have a husband who is willing to fulfill a calling. So many women don't have a husband like that. I try to look at it that way and know that he will gain blessings for our family for his service. It DOES help to look at it that way.

I love you, Renee'. I'm glad you have a worthy priesthood holder as a husband and father to your children. That is the best blessing you could have. Your family will be richly blessed for the sacrifices you BOTH make.

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